Audio Journal, Podcast

If you listened to the last Audio Journal, we focused on what it takes to coach your family through the Opioid Crisis with a game plan, a playbook, an understanding of your opponent and help from your "assistants" when it's called for.  This episode will focus on what every successful college football coach knows and understand, that it's much easier to play offense vs. always be on the defensive. Football coaches don't start preparing during the game; they start way in advance by scouting the competition, evaluating their players, understanding what plays produce results and just committing the time to do their homework.  Your child may or may not ever use drugs or get addicted, but the reality is that 1 in 10 high schoolers will develop the disease of addiction before they even leave high schoool and that child may be yours.  We're going to start the Parent Playbook by understanding how you can play offense before you have to play the much more difficult game of defense. Playing offense in the game against substance abuse begins with a good prevention strategy.  It's hard for parents to get motivated to execute a prevention strategy when their child is a good student, a girl scout, an athlete and an all-around good kid.  All of those things applied to my daughter until she started using drugs at age 14, became addicted and was in for the fight of her life, only to overdose and die after a 15-year struggle.  I never played offense, so I spent 15 years playing the tougher game, defense. Here's how to execute a good offensive prevention strategy. Start your game strategy by understanding the risk factors.  The disease of addiction runs in families so understand if it's present in yours, your spouse's or your extended family.  Developing the disease requires a genetic link that kicks off the propensity of one's brain to respond in overdrive in the presence of drugs and alcohol.  Children that find it difficult to regulate their emotions, who have been bullied, who have had learning differences are all at higher risk.  And think about children who have experienced other changes or difficulties they struggle with like managing through a divorce, a move to a new neighborhood or school, enduring stressful situations or trauma. They are statistically at much higher risk than other kids, so evaluate if this applies to your family.  InterAct LifeLine has been collecting great content and education and making it available in online portals to help parents understand the risk of addiction so they can be better prepared. All you have to do is visit rethinkthefamily.com and there is great information waiting for you. Next, talk to your kids and educate them about the risks.  Executing an offensive strategy is most successful when you prepare your team to understand the game they are playing. Start early and have conversations about substances in an age-appropriate way.  Kids learn science in school, so give them a science lesson on what might happen to the brain when they drink or do drugs.  Help them know what drugs are out there and what they need to do to avoid them.   In addition to helping parents understand the risk of addiction, InterAct also gives you the help you need to use the right words to begin the conversation with your kids at any age. Consider proactively and randomly drug testing your middle or high schoolers. Don't think of drug testing as a punishment, but rather as a gift.  Your kids can now blame their crazy parents when they choose to turn down the chance to smoke pot or take pills because they can tell their friends they are being drug tested and are sure to be caught.  Drug tests can be bought at any drug store and are cheap and easy to use.  Your child may try and fool the system, so you have to make tests random and take countermeasures to make sure that the tests give you the right results. Trust but verify.  My daughter would tell me that she was at rowing practice, with a friend, or engaged in a school activity.  But that wasn't the truth.  She was not where she said she was and engaged in activities that she didn't want me to know about.  Back then, I didn't have the same technology tools that parents have today.   You have the ability to find my iPhone or install technology on your kid's phone or laptop to monitor their keystrokes and messages.  Our company InterAct LifeLine is going to help parents out with our 2020 product release, SafetyNet to use the smart phone coupled with wearables to help you geolocate your child and ask for check-ins to prove they are where they said they would be.  Coach from the field not from the stands.  If you are going to play offense, you have to know the players on the field.  Volunteer at your child's school, meet with the teachers, and understand the environment by talking to other parents. Know your child's friends, have them over, meet their parents, and understand what their environment is like if your child goes out with them or over to their house.  There is nothing that compares to being right in the middle of the action vs. being in the stands, having your child tell you what is going on through their filter. Takeaways Addiction is a chronic disease just like diabetes.  Once you have developed it, you will always have it and have to manage it to stay healthy.  You and your child will always be playing defense instead of offense.  That's why a good offensive strategy focuses on prevention and includes understanding the risk factors and helping your children understand the risks.  Playing offense may include proactively drug testing your kids to give them an excuse to still be cool and blame everything on you.  You should try and communicate that while you trust your child, today's deadly drug environment requires you to verify.  And no game is won if the coach is not totally involved. Had I been educated and prepared to play offense with both my son and daughter, I might have been able to prevent or delay Laura's drug use giving her brain a chance to develop so it was less vulnerable to the substances that kicked off the disease.  Instead, after Laura began using drugs at age 14, I stayed on the field playing defense for 15 long years, a very difficult game that unfortunately I didn't win as she overdosed and died 2 years ago.   So, let's commit to prevention and playing offense because nobody wants to play the same game as I did.

Podcast

This Audio Journal series focuses on what it takes to coach your family through the Opioid Crisis with the right game plan, a playbook, an understanding of your opponent and help from your "assistants" when it's called for.  This episode will focus on how to avoid unforced errors that put your parenting game at risk. I watched Auburn and Alabama slug it out in the Iron Bowl with three touchdowns coming from errors made by both teams.  Unforced errors can make the difference between a win and a blowout.  Think about all the games that have been won or lost based on turnovers, missed assignments, dropped passes, or interceptions.   Often these unforced errors result when players or coaches don't stick to the game plan, are unprepared or just not paying attention. There are number of unforced errors that parents make that are critical mistakes leading to big problems when it comes to drugs and alcohol.  Let's look at those mistakes and ways to avoid them. The first unforced error is chalking up your child's troubling behavior to growing pains or just being a teenager.   You've been living with your child for years, watching how they behave, perform in school, and if they comply with the rules. But then all of a sudden, things start to change.  They start to get defiant and disrespectful.  They have huge mood swings.  They begin to hide out in their room and keep you away from their friends and what they are up to.  They dress differently and their friend group has changed.  Are these signs of teenage growing pains?  Maybe, but if your child's actions start to disrupt your family life, cause you to be suspicious and distrustful, or cause them to underperform in school or in their favorite sports team, look deeper and get an outside opinion to see if you have a bigger issue than that of just being a teenager. Another unforced error is to fail to secure items in your house that your child should not have access to.  If you drink and have bottles of alcohol lying around, it's time to lock up your wine and your liquor cabinet.  Substance misuse often begins by sneaking alcohol from your supply and refilling your bottles with water.  If you have unused prescriptions from a doctor or dentist's visit or a stay in the hospital, safely dispose of those expired medications or lock them up.  You don't want to be your child's drug dealer.  And unfortunately for some families, you need to stop leaving cash or valuables lying around.  This was one of my unforced errors and my daughter Laura took leftover Vicodin, raided my wine cellar and took money out of my wallet.  I left my car keys on a rack by the door, enabling her to sneak out at night, take the car and meet up with people she shouldn't have been with. And what about the error of trying to be the cool parent.  I've talked to many parents who believe that it is inevitable that their teenagers are going to drink or smoke pot, so why not keep them safer by having them experiment with those things at home.  Big mistake.  Exposing the teenage brain to substances while it is still developing is a sure-fire way to risk your child may be the 1 in 10 that will develop the disease of addiction. It's important that you understand the science behind adolescent brain development and what substances do to short circuit the normal brain development process.   My daughter began using drugs at age 14, developed the disease of addiction, and fought it for 15 years.  Her brain development stopped about that age making it much harder for her to become a functional adult. And what kind of signal are you sending to your child when you allow them to break the law by using alcohol before they legally are allowed to so or to smoke pot when it's still illegal in most states?  And don't believe for a minute that your kid can't get addicted to marijuana.  It's much more potent than when you were in college.   It's never cool to let your teenagers use drugs and alcohol in your home or to participate with them. In addition to trying to be cool, another unforced error that parents make is trying too hard to be liked.  A football coach never thinks about whether his players will like him less when he sets up the starting lineup, makes a substitution, or sits someone on the bench.  Coaches can't win if you second guess all your decisions, benchmarking them on a popularity index.  The same is true in parenting. Expect your teenagers to dislike many of your decisions when you have to make them in order to keep your kid accountable, have them comply with the rules, and keep them safe.  So, don't hesitate to put them on restriction, take their phone, and confiscate their car keys if they break your rules.  And what if their behavior is sending up warning signals that cause you to suspect they are using drugs?  Then, get much more aggressive with your responses.  Search their room, drug test them, monitor their electronics, and restrict who you let them connect with. Remember that you are a parent first and foremost, not a participant in a popularity contest. One of the biggest errors a parent can make is being too ashamed to ask for help.  You will know it when things have gotten beyond your control.  I knew it when Laura was 15.  I tried to lock down the house and alarm the windows, but Laura continued to sneak out.  I took her to school, only to have her walk out the back door and fill her water bottle with vodka that she bought from the seniors.  And finally, she went missing for days.  I was mortified by her behavior, but knew I needed help and I involved everyone I could to give it to me. I understand that many parents are ashamed that things have gotten so out of control and the good kid their family, friends and neighbors knew is doing things that are terrifying.  But the mistake is hiding, waiting, or failing to disclose what you are struggling with.  Remember, you've likely never seen situations like this before, so call for backup.  You have school guidance counselors, church leaders, friends, family, therapists and a host of others ready to step in and assist. And last but not least, it's always an unforced error when you fail to get the facts so you can make better decisions.   In the mid-2000's we founded and ran a licensed adolescent treatment program and worked with hundreds of families whose teens were out of control, using drugs, and in need of an intervention.  They seemed in shock when their teenagers spilled the beans to us, revealing what they were up to and how they had kept their parents in the dark.  We realize where there is smoke there is fire, and the fire is a lot hotter than you realize.  Parents have quite a few tools to find out what their kids are up to, but often fail to use them. A simple drug test you buy from CVS or Walgreens will give you an idea what substances your kids may be using.  Monitoring your child's electronics will let you know who they are texting, what they are saying, if they are researching subjects on the Internet that are drug related or if they are connecting with their drug dealers.  Use the tools, get the facts, and then make better decisions. Takeaways Teams that have unforced errors like turnovers, dropped passes or stupid penalties often lose the game because of those mistakes.  Parents can't afford to make those mistakes because the stakes are so much higher. Don't chalk up troubling behavior to teenage growing pains unless you have all the facts to support that conclusion. Make your home a safe place by removing or locking up items that can cause trouble such as unused prescriptions or alcohol.  Don't try and be the cool mom and dad letting your kids drink and do drugs with you or in your home.  And don't try and go it alone without asking for help when things have become beyond your control. When my daughter Laura got into trouble at age 14, I was naïve, took my eye off the ball and made quite a few unforced errors. Those errors allowed her to get away with her drug use long enough to become addicted and struggle with the disease that took her life 15 years later, only 2 years ago.  Unforced errors, no matter how innocent they may seem at the time, can have deadly consequences.

Podcast

The holidays are the most wonderful, but often the most dreadful time of the year if someone you love is suffering from or has lost their battle with the disease of addiction.  This will be my second Christmas without my daughter Laura who struggled for 15 years with addiction but lost her life to overdose on December 21, 2017, right before the holidays.  But even when Laura was with us, holidays were often stressful because I never knew what kind of tension and drama she might create for the family. For those of us who have been through the struggle our perfect holiday gift might be that of peace, tranquility, and for the person who we remembered before they developed the disease to be the one that shows up for the holidays.   For me, my perfect gift would be just one more moment to watch Laura unwrap her gifts, sit by the fire or laugh at the dinner table.  So, knowing that we likely get gifts that are well meaning, but not exactly what we wished for, here are some gifts that you can give yourself for the holidays that can last you throughout the year and hopefully for a lifetime. Give yourself the gift of knowledge.  I've talked to countless parents and family members who are struggling to make sense of their loved one's substance misuse, crazy behavior, and personality change.  Yet, they have failed to research the disease of addiction, understand how it progresses, learn how it changes the brain, and what it takes to treat it.    You would never think to fight cancer without going online, understanding the symptoms and how the disease progresses, checking out treatment options and learning how to beat it.  The same applies with the disease of addiction.  Give yourself the gift of knowledge so you can understand it, have a strategy to respond and know what to do to fight the disease. Open up the gift of forgiveness. It's not your fault.  I repeat, it's not your fault.  Because I'm empowered with an understanding of the disease, I don't blame myself for my daughter's death or her 15-year struggle.  And I've forgiven myself for any wrong decisions I made along the way when we were in the middle of the fight.  Addiction is complex and often the decisions the person afflicted makes are irrational and confusing.   Until that person decides to get healthy and manage the disease, you don't really have the power to cure it for them.   If a diabetic eats cake, fails to take their insulin and doesn't follow the doctor's instructions, do you blame yourself if they get sicker?   The same is true with addiction Unwrap the gift of self-care. It's super hard battling the disease and believe me the fight takes a toll on you personally.  There is the stress of not knowing what is going to happen next, the lack of sleep when you stay up through the night hoping to hear the door open and your loved one walk in. There's constant anxiety.  If you don't care for yourself, then your health and wellbeing will suffer. Self-care is complex, but may involve a health and wellness routine, mindfulness & meditation, counseling, or connecting with friends and doing something fun. Look for the gift of community. Going this alone is never a good idea.  You need help and support around you to give you perspective, a sanity check, relief, and acceptance.  There are many communities you can connect to, but for me, I turned first to my close friends and family who watched Laura grow up, saw how I parented, and didn't judge my parenting skills.  Then, it was going to a community of other parents who had put their children into treatment and who were going through a shared experience with me.  I relied on Al-Anon to gain perspective on the disease of addiction and our role in the process of healing.  I'm now involved in several Facebook groups where parents share their experiences in losing someone to overdose.  Remember, you are not alone. Takeaway Trust me, that I personally understand how it feels not only to battle addiction with a loved one, but to lose someone when they lose the fight.  But my personal philosophy is that if you don't understand the disease, forgive yourself for the things you feel you did wrong, care for yourself so you don't become one part of the collateral damage, and look for help and support  in others, you will have a much harder time coping with the circumstances you now find yourself in. Now, I haven't always followed my own advice.  When Laura died, I stopped doing the things that were keeping me healthy.  I ate poorly, gained weight, stopped exercising and didn't manage my grief as well as I could have.  But that is changing, and I've given myself the gifts that I just shared with you which is part of my journey to return to health, wellness, and happiness. Keep tuning into the Audio Journal over the holidays, because I am going to give you some practical advice on each of these gifts, how to find them, and how to make sure you unwrap them.

Podcast

One of the bests gifts to give yourself during the holidays, forgiveness This will be my second Christmas without my daughter Laura who struggled for 15 years with addiction but lost her life to overdose on December 21, 2017, right before the holidays. But even when Laura was with us, holidays were often stressful because I never knew what kind of tension and drama she might create for the family. It's so easy to sit back during the holidays and beat yourself up. Your friends are all having a wonderful Christmas dinner, opening their gifts, and connecting with family. Your family may have been turned upside down, so you reflect on how you managed to get yourself in this mess. You look at what you did or didn't do to create such a dysfunctional family, holiday or in my case lose a loved one. So now it's time to open up the gift of forgiveness. It's not your fault. I repeat, it's not your fault. Your loved one had a genetic predisposition to develop the disease of addiction because the genes that trigger it run in families. Ten people could go to a party, have a drink and not feel uncontrollably compelled to keep going. But that 1 person in 10 that is genetically pre-disposed will have their brain's reward center triggered to need more of the substance that caused their dopamine production to go wild. It's not your fault that those genes ran in your family just as it's not your fault if you have diabetes in your genes. Your loved one didn't develop the disease because of you. Don't blame yourself because of your parenting. Parenting is hard enough no matter what someone tells you. Everyone makes mistakes and you've likely made more than a few when it comes to managing an adolescent that become oppositional, then defiant, then a drug user and then an addict. Trust me that I was one of those parents with my daughter Laura. But you need to give yourself a break. It's hard to make the best decisions when you are in the middle of a war and under siege. Addiction may have come on quickly not giving you the time to be fully informed and ready. Everyone makes mistakes, even parents with those picture-perfect kids. It's time to forgive yourself for any parenting missteps during this crisis. Forgive those people around you. You are going to be surprised at the friends, family and co-workers who just didn't understand the depth of your struggles. You may feel their scrutiny and disapproval and find them distancing themselves from you. Although that may seem terrible, it's perfectly understandable that they don't really understand because nobody can unless they have walked in your shoes. When I first sent my daughter Laura to wilderness therapy treatment, I chose a New Year's Eve party to announce my decision to my friends, some of which knew about our struggles and others did not. I was greeted with, "How could you?" and "Why didn't you try other things first?". At first, I was insulted and horrified that they just didn't get it because that was one of the hardest decisions of my life. But then on reflection, I began to understand why they didn't get it. They had never had an experience like this. I decided to forgive those people and years later shared with them how their comments did me a favor to enlighten me about how to better manage my conversations with others when it came to my daughter and help others do the same. And finally, forgive the addict you love. My daughter did some terrible things in the throes of her disease. She would go months without answering my calls or texts making me fear if she was safe. She would attack me verbally when I pressed her about her behavior. She lied to me to get me to do the things that she needed so she could keep using drugs. Although I was angry with her, fortunately, I let that go before she overdosed and died. In her final weeks, I shared with her that we were both adults and had the right to make adult decisions, even though we were in disagreement about what those decisions were. Addicts can be the most frustrating, unlovable, and difficult people to be around. But in the light of the brain disorder they have, it's important to direct your anger and frustration where it belongs most, at the disease itself. It's not to say that you should roll over and just let any behavior go. When your loved one crosses boundaries and treat you disrespectfully, you should develop language that goes something like this: I have a problem that I need your help with.When you do this, this is how it makes me feel.In the future, I would appreciate it if you could change what you do.Can I get your help on this? Takeaways Forgiveness is a difficult thing, but powerfully healing. Forgive yourself first because addiction is a complex disease to understand and it's not something that you caused. Forgive yourself for mistakes you make along the way in trying to help your loved one. Forgive others around you who haven't walked in your shoes and may not understand. And most importantly, forgive your loved one. They wouldn't have chosen to live such a difficult life and you never know when your next encounter with them might be your last.

Podcast

Make connections to help support you as you battle addiction If you are struggling with addiction or have an addict in your family, going it alone is never a good idea.  I was fortunate in many ways that when my 14-year old daughter began her struggle, I had close friends that were there for me who had watched Laura grow up and knew I needed help.  And people were there for me throughout the 15 years we battled the disease, and in the end when she overdosed and died. You need help and support around you to give you perspective, a sanity check, relief and acceptance and that comes by finding a community that you can connect to.  Communities help us feel connected and a part of something, but they also have strong benefits when it comes to helping you as you battle the disease of addiction for yourself or for a loved one. Communities allow us to benefit from the lessons others have learned so we don't have to learn from our own mistakes.  Communities can inspire us when we watch members achieve things that go right in their lives.  Communities give us contacts we can call on when we need help.  Knowing others that are going through the same things we are, learning from them and getting their support is a very important gift that you can give yourself. Our company, InterAct LifeLine, supports collegiate recovery communities, organized groups for people in recovery on college campuses.  The gift of belonging to those communities as a student is a higher graduation rate, a higher GPA, a much lower return to substance misuse and frankly, friends you keep your entire life. For those struggling with addiction, finding communities of sober, like-minded people promotes healthy social interaction replacing the circle of people that misused substances with others that you can connect with without worrying about being around drugs or alcohol.  Communities provide support when counseling is not available, and its people are often just a phone call away. But if you are a family member that is helping a loved one fight addiction, finding communities of other family members may not be as obvious as it is for the person who is finding community in addiction support groups.  Here are a few ideas for where to go find the gift of community. Connect to online support groups. Social media can be a powerful tool to find others that are going through the same challenges you are, share your thoughts without judgment, and find strategies that help you move forward.  For me, I belong to several Facebook groups focused on loss of a loved one from overdose.  The stories I read are sad, but also reminders of how many of us are turning grief into purpose trying to make a difference in the lives of others.  All it takes on Facebook is to access groups, enter keywords to find groupa that you relate to the most and ask to join. Find a support community in Al-Anon or other organizations.  Most of us have heard of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, AA and NA, but did you know that the same organization has support groups for families who have a loved one battling addiction?  It's called Al-Anon that uses the same 12-step philosophy to help families heal.  If 12-Step is not your thing, then there are many other ways to connect to family support groups.  If you just google "family support groups for addiction" you will get links to a number of support communities and likely find those who have meetings in your area. Find a non-profit focused group on family support.  As I mentioned earlier, I lost a daughter to overdose and found a non-profit called Compassionate Friends that focuses on helping families cope with loss.  SAMSHA, a government organization focused on substance abuse and mental health, has a national hotline that can connect families to support organizations.  (1-800-662-HELP).   There is Parents of Addicted Loved Ones or PAL for short with a national directory of meetings in your area which have both an educational component and time for sharing.  The list goes on and on, but these non-profits are here to help, connect you to others who are going through the same issue, and are easily found online. And don't forget about the support group you already know, your family and friends.  The people closest to you may not be fully aware of how you struggle, so they often seem to sit on the sidelines until you ask them to jump in.  They may not be able to empathize at the level you would like them to because it's hard to understand unless you have experienced coping with an addicted loved one, so it's up to you to paint a picture of how your life has changed and what you struggle with. And it's also important that you are clear about the type of help you need.  Do you just need a friendly ear to air out your issues?  Are you asking for them to weigh in on what they think you should do?  Do you need a partner to help you solve a problem?  Or do you just need a break to focus on something that's fun and normal? Takeaways Often when we struggle with addiction, it seems right to hide what is going on because we are ashamed, shy about sharing our struggles, and don't believe we can find people to understand and support us.  However, this thought process is counterproductive to helping you manage through what is arguably one of the most difficult challenges you will face.  The gift of community is powerful, keeps you centered, helps you with strategies and most importantly, reminds you that you are not the only one struggling.  Communities reinforce the fact that you   are not alone in this fight.